Today I sat and watched the sun move shadows against my garage wall. I was alone and trying to experience the aloneness of being alone. The light was fine and I was enjoying the fading day. I felt really content. Then I was quite suddenly struck with this feeling of living for myself. Of living without being tethered to someone else's ideas and plans. Not that other's ideas and plans aren't awesome. But this was a message just for me. This was about taking control. This was a warning not to give myself away. And then these little words came out of/to me:
Don't be afraid.
You're only dreaming.
Don't fear change darling.
It's the natural passage.
It is nature's way.
It is best and
it is what is.
Embrace it. Why not?
You don't have to be afraid.
You're only dreaming.
You get a FRESH START.
You see it.
You're so close to it.
You are it.
You are love.
You know.
I am.
You know.
Take the power. All of it is yours. All of this is for you.
You get to choose Everything.
Who you love. What you do.
How far you go.
How skinny you are.
How audacious.
Don't let others decide. Take their counsel and their comfort but don't ever, ever give one single part of yourself away.
Follow your heart. Know your heart.
Know it inside out.
Build a temple to it.
Build an altar to yourself and your God.
To your heart.
And then I watched a massive black widow kill a june bug.
Now tonight I remember "give thanks for every wrong move." Remember to say thank you for your pain. I want to be thankful for mine. I want to laugh and say, yeah. Thank God for that.
I see candles flicker behind my closed eyes. My old cat insists on being on the yoga mat with me. I watch her spread out and lick herself and I stop and observe her and give thanks for the present moment. Thanks for time and it's awkward warping. It's tightly woven regrets, it's little jokes. It's irrelevance. It's experience.
Thank you to the everything for these seconds of pure happiness. For watching my cat, for the turns of my mind, for my invisible eyes.
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost." Martha Graham
