????????????

And here I thought we could be fuck buddies.
How's that for a title? Yeah, that's why I didn't go with it.
So my dh is hot to get divorced.

I've tried to explain to him that emotionally I need some time to recover before we rush into mediation. BTW, that word mediation looks a lot like meditation but is TOTALLY different.

It was two weeks ago yesterday he left.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get the kids to bed by myself.
I still cry every single day for the little things (read BIG) that I realize have changed forever.
Who will I watch Lost with? By myself? How fun is that?
And all that shared history. Eleven years and counting. There's just all those gazillion minute moments of past that you shorthand with someone you've known for that long and with that kind of intimacy.
I don't know if I'm going to get that back.

I mean, SHIT.
I just got our health care taken care of and I'm going to be taken off the plan.
I am so not part of the plan.
I feel like I'm in Junior High. He doesn't love me. He never did. Not really.
It's a break-up. Clean and simple. He's gone. "Shut-down." Fini. It's rejection. It's "do I look fat in this?" Who will slow-dance with me? Every song on the radio suddenly applies to my situation. Donna Summer songs make me weep. I am no longer part of a couple. There's no other. Certainly no lover. Just a broken heart.

So he calls tonight to say he wants to "do this thing." Fuck me.

I explained to him, again, that I'm not ready. I need more time. My therapist said I need time to emotionally recover.
He says, "Yeah, I e-mailed your therapist to tell her how worried I am about you."
?????????????????????????????
I should say right here that this is all fact.
FYFI.
Reply in the comments if you have THAT acronym figured out.

So...I breathed...this was about 7:30pm tonight mind you...just trying to get the kiddoes in bed. A real challenging part of my day I'm trying to build from scratch. I don't need to get all riled up.
So he basically says, he won't sign the re-fi papers (which is happening at the end of the month...like everything else in my life...what is with f-ing Feb first???? And what is with the question marks????) until we're in mediation.
Let me help you there, he won't move forward on our impending re-fi until we're in mediation.
And I say, you're really holding my hand to the flame here, and he says:
(in ugly elevated rage voice)
LIKE YOU HAVEN'T HELD MY HAND TO THE FLAME!
click
I hung up that phone speedy quick I tell you cause I had to get back to reading Junie B. Jones with a totally different emotion than the one I was feeling.

Well, at least I'm not wanting him right now in that fuck buddy kind of way.
I can still cry about Lost. And the shared history. And how my heart is breaking like a humiliating Junior High, eleven-year-long, un-requited crush.
But him, specifically, not feeling it. Pretty pissed.

I was hoping we could do this without hanging up on each other.
But I've hoped for lots of things.
Pema (the Buddhist goddess) says hopelessness is a good thing because you forsake the idea of an alternative condition. This is it baby. The poop's on the platter. Well, she doesn't say that. But I get it. Hope isn't always your friend. Reality. Authen-fucking-ticity. Now there's a girlfriend you can count on.
Gotta love it.
And I love you.
In all ways.