Monday, February 25, 2008

I'm Not Telling - Part One

This post is going to take many drafts I think. Or maybe I'll just let it fly. Either way, you won't know the difference and I'm not telling.

I'm an angry bitch (if this stays in then I didn't edit). And I have good reason (editing fuck out between good and reason).

We're born alone and we die alone. I know this thought can make some sad, but for me it's actually comforting. First off, it's true. And I've been praying for God to remove my blinders. Please Jesus, wash away any and all last bits of untruth that I harbor. The mis-conceptions, the prejudices, the hurtful ignorance. I pray this prayer because I don't want to go through all this growth and truth and then trip on a blind spot.

My Jesus is swift. And I am open. Read: be careful what you pray for. Because my eyes have been opened. Doesn't mean you're going to like what you see.

I've learned/remembered how much I dislike having my life run by other people. I hate in fact not knowing the truth about my life. This is all very circular isn't it? I pray to know the truth and then find the truth being hidden from me. Infuriating. And then some.

Wednesday: Mediation. Went pretty well I thought. On the long drive there I was really nervous. Trembling. A tape ran in my head:
This is the end of my marriage.I have to sit withmydhanddiscusstheendofmymarriage.
Then I stopped. Breathe. Breathe. I stroked my soul. I love you. Breathe. I told myself, It's okay lady. Don't be scared. Remember this is what you want. And grace, sweet divine grace, descended on me. No more trembling. A smile even? This is what I want. I want free. I've wanted freedom for a long time. And I'm getting it. It's basically done. Wow. Totally different attitude. Yes. I say yes.

Where do I sign?

So I was able to walk in (still) very, very nervous but my soul was intact and my heart was sure and my mind was sound. My dh says immediately, "You sure you want to do this?"
Answer: Inside: resounding yes. Outside: "Yes? Why are you asking me this right now?"
He shrugs.
He's so bizarre.

The mediator is terrific. A real pro. I feel like my heart is going to explode and my dh is sighing loudly every few minutes. But the mediator is calming and diplomatic and his eyes are on the big picture. Like hospice nurses and sanitation workers...who signs up for this job? And thank God they do. I felt confident about the process. He said stuff like "You don't want a judge making life decisions for you" and "Your children will thank you for going this route on their wedding day." Wow. My dh and I just have to be open and able to trust each other and we can get through this and provide the best life for our kids. Okay.

"Trust each other." Insert sound of throat clearing. Or maybe one of those record scratches. Or brakes screaching. Yeah. That's good. "Trust each other." RRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Son of a bitch.

My dh called me on the way home from the mediation bitching at me about an e-mail my brother sent him. I try to be kind. "Don't worry about it," I say. "It doesn't matter. Why do you care what he thinks?" But in typical dh-fashion he keeps coming after me.
I wonder about him. I mean mediation went WELL but I'm still REELING from the experience. The last thing I want to do right now is FIGHT with someone. Does his engine run on pain or what?
I finally say, "I have to hang up now" and he says, "What am I supposed to do with all this shit?" And I think, well there it is. His modus operandi. His reason for raging. He just doesn't know what to do with his shit.

Next day, Thursday. I e-mail my mom to assure her that mediation went well although my dh is acting kind of strange. She e-mails me back that she knows why dh is upset. SHE TALKED TO HIM FOR TWO HOURS PRIOR TO MEDIATION.

That explains dh asking me if I really wanted to do this because my mom told him it was her understanding (ha!) that I didn't want a divorce. It also explains dh's threatening e-mail later that day which says that things I've said to my mother will "come back to haunt me for years to come."

Back to my mom's e-mail (we're doing this through e-mail!?!?!) - despite having told her and my Dad about the abusive nature of my relationship, despite spilling my guts which was very hard to do while feeling broken and vulnerable, despite telling them the recent truths about dh closing our financial accounts, etc., my mother, MY MOTHER, tells me that I should get back together with my dh. That I am throwing away my marriage. That I should get back in therapy with my dh (and here...she goes on about something that I can't even understand so I blow by it...kinda like how they say the Indians couldn't see the Pilgrims' ships because it was something they couldn't even comprehend. Yeah, like that.) So I skip those sentences and go on to the finale. She writes: You need to do what's best for all FOUR of you.


That's a moan people. A MOOOOAAAANNN. Later, in Part Two, there will be a howl.

For now, a digression.

I read a book recently called "The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show." It's by Ariel Gore and in it she tells her narrative by weaving in stories of the saints. (Aside: I liked her other novel/memoir "Atlas of the Human Heart" a whole lot and she is the editor of the cool zine "Hip Mama.")
In "The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show" Gore offers invocations for individual saints, including Mary Magdalen.
(Backstory: I've always loved Mary Magdalen. My cat's name is Magdalen. Mary and I even share an astrological sign - her feast day is July 22nd.)
As I'm sure you all know Mary Magdalen was portrayed as a prostitute for most of history. But 30 plus years ago the Catholic Church said once and for all that no such thing was true and that the bible didn't support the claim. Dan Brown took it one step further in "The Da Vinci Code" to say that the whole thing was a smear campaign to keep women from challenging the patriarchal system of Catholicism. (I couldn't agree more.)
Ho or not, what is know for sure is that Mary Magdalen was the first one to meet the resurrected Jesus. She showed up at Jesus' tomb the day after His Crucifixion and burial to find the stone rolled away and His body gone. She saw a man walking in the garden and asked him if he saw the body removed from the tomb. He turned to her and said, "Do you not recognize me Mary?" She didn't. And then.
And then.
She did. She moved towards Him.
"Do not touch me Mary. I have not yet ascended." (Happy Easter!)
Mary was the first one at the tomb and Jesus chose to reveal Himself to her first. That's a special lady.
I decided a couple weeks ago to order a Mary Magdalen medal to wear during these dark days. It arrived on Thursday - HOURS before this shit hit the fan. I was glad to have it.
Now dig what the fabulous Ariel Gore had to say about how to pray to Mary Magdalen.
"'So that I may not waver at the sight of the divine.' To honor her, learn how to express your grief as well as your joy. Watch the sunrise or sunset and say our loud: 'I am fully and radiantly myself, IMMUNE TO SLANDER. I offer my unique gift to the world.' Stay open to inner vision and refrain from judgement. That woman you're calling a whore may just be the Lord's favorite apostle, and that gardener you hope to underpay might be God himself."


Reviewing the post I noticed that I neglected to give another reason why I take comfort in the thought that we're born alone and we die alone. So...
Secondly, it relieves me of the burden of finding a someone else to trust, to align with, to confirm my existence, to reflect my godliness. People might let me down. Even those whom I have entrusted all my love and respect, those who I have attached myself to with a taped-together umbilical cord.
Those people live their own lives. They're in their own sinking boat. They have their reasons.
And so it's a comfort to not lean, but to stand tall and firm on my own two feet. And know that no one can knock me down.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The most difficult part about my separation divorce has been the guilt. My friend who does had reading analysis told me that guilt seeks punishment. So even though I sent the PUNISHER away he still can and will try to punish me as long as I dont work on my guilt. I have to work on myself. Because God knows we cannot work on "them" any longer!! I love you. Tam