Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Year in a Life

I can't believe it has been a year (a YEAR) since this house was in upheaval. Chaos rained and reigned. Love was kicked around. Dreams were tinkered with until they no longer resembled themselves. Expectations fell down to basement level and were still not met. Every day was an adventure but not the good kind. These adventures were dark and dangerous. Violent. Empty and hollow. Jesus...I can't believe that was my life for so long.

“Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.” St. Augustine

The fact is I don’t want to spend time with him this Christmas. I faked it last year. I don’t want to do it this year. And the nice thing is I don’t HAVE to. I am exercising my right to not have to.

“Yet it is not enough to seek the truth or even to know the truth. We must give ourselves permission now to live the truth as we understand it, with all its myriad implications for our lives.” Marianne Williamson

I believe everyone’s trying to find their equilibrium. Nature automatically looks for balance. We adapt ourselves to situations so we can survive. Like Darwinian fish, we try to find out feet. But much of the diversity of our world comes from genetic mutation. Not careful baby steps but totally random fucking shit (TRFS).

“Even cowards can endure hardship, only the brave can endure suspense.” Mignon McLaughlin

There’s something about being on the tightrope I really like.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” Thoreau

My favorite word is freedom.

My favorite number is 4 because it is twice my actual favorite number which is 2.

Someone called me super mom today. Someone else said I was their hero. Someone else said I was full of love and the kindest person ever. Best. Year. Ever.

“After the final no there comes a yes
And on that yes the future world depends.” Wallace Stevens

An aside: not for the squeamish…

One piece of advice: never ever ask your husband to look at your vagina after you’ve had a baby to “see if it looks alright.” It does not look alright and he does not want to see it.
I believe maybe that was the beginning of the end with the dh and I. Maybe. Free advice.

“We’re all on a sinking boat.” Me to Soph Jan. 2008

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ah, joy, she writes!
i love you, my friend. i am giving you 2009, wrapped and shiny in its expectations, with days and days of love inside of it for you.
and thanks for the heads-up about the vagina. good to know.