Tuesday, January 29, 2008


And here I thought we could be fuck buddies.
How's that for a title? Yeah, that's why I didn't go with it.
So my dh is hot to get divorced.

I've tried to explain to him that emotionally I need some time to recover before we rush into mediation. BTW, that word mediation looks a lot like meditation but is TOTALLY different.

It was two weeks ago yesterday he left.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get the kids to bed by myself.
I still cry every single day for the little things (read BIG) that I realize have changed forever.
Who will I watch Lost with? By myself? How fun is that?
And all that shared history. Eleven years and counting. There's just all those gazillion minute moments of past that you shorthand with someone you've known for that long and with that kind of intimacy.
I don't know if I'm going to get that back.

I mean, SHIT.
I just got our health care taken care of and I'm going to be taken off the plan.
I am so not part of the plan.
I feel like I'm in Junior High. He doesn't love me. He never did. Not really.
It's a break-up. Clean and simple. He's gone. "Shut-down." Fini. It's rejection. It's "do I look fat in this?" Who will slow-dance with me? Every song on the radio suddenly applies to my situation. Donna Summer songs make me weep. I am no longer part of a couple. There's no other. Certainly no lover. Just a broken heart.

So he calls tonight to say he wants to "do this thing." Fuck me.

I explained to him, again, that I'm not ready. I need more time. My therapist said I need time to emotionally recover.
He says, "Yeah, I e-mailed your therapist to tell her how worried I am about you."
I should say right here that this is all fact.
Reply in the comments if you have THAT acronym figured out.

So...I breathed...this was about 7:30pm tonight mind you...just trying to get the kiddoes in bed. A real challenging part of my day I'm trying to build from scratch. I don't need to get all riled up.
So he basically says, he won't sign the re-fi papers (which is happening at the end of the month...like everything else in my life...what is with f-ing Feb first???? And what is with the question marks????) until we're in mediation.
Let me help you there, he won't move forward on our impending re-fi until we're in mediation.
And I say, you're really holding my hand to the flame here, and he says:
(in ugly elevated rage voice)
I hung up that phone speedy quick I tell you cause I had to get back to reading Junie B. Jones with a totally different emotion than the one I was feeling.

Well, at least I'm not wanting him right now in that fuck buddy kind of way.
I can still cry about Lost. And the shared history. And how my heart is breaking like a humiliating Junior High, eleven-year-long, un-requited crush.
But him, specifically, not feeling it. Pretty pissed.

I was hoping we could do this without hanging up on each other.
But I've hoped for lots of things.
Pema (the Buddhist goddess) says hopelessness is a good thing because you forsake the idea of an alternative condition. This is it baby. The poop's on the platter. Well, she doesn't say that. But I get it. Hope isn't always your friend. Reality. Authen-fucking-ticity. Now there's a girlfriend you can count on.
Gotta love it.
And I love you.
In all ways.


Anonymous said...

What. A. Dick.
here, to quote ani d:
"so, Fuck You, and you're untouchable face,
and Fuck You, for existing in the first place. . ."
i am so angry for you but i am sending you lots of love to soothe and comfort, like a big cozy blanket on this wicked chilly night.
he's hanging up on you? you're right to feel like you're in junior high.
again. What. A. Dick.
love, h.

spielbee said...

You is a good girlfriend Ms. Lash!

Anonymous said...

blechhhh. Aren't you going to be seeing Elizabeth Gilbert soon?

I really hope it's a profound balm for your soul. I think of the first few chapters of her book and the pain she went through with her divorce and what you're going through. I'm so sorry for that. And what is even suckier is the financial stress you're under. That is no fucking fun, and I'm sorry that shit burger is on your plate, too. How dare he use that as a knife to your throat. Fuck him for that!

Yes, sometimes hopelessness is a good thing. And so is getting pissed.

sending you strength,


Netty fish said...

You just let me know about this blog, so I had some catch up reading to do. And I have so much to say...

Just know, I've been there too baby. Not a dh of course but a baby daddy (bd)and we have 15+ years of crazy shit. It's hard, yeah it's hard. Just remember to...


Remember when that was our mantra when we were only 16 years old? How could we know? We were so smart. Naively preparing ourselves for our adult lives I guess.

Anyway, it's hard. Did I say that before. Well repetition is not a mistake. But keep doing what you're doing. Hang with the pain.
Be kind to yourself. Don't let him get to you. This is your big opportunity!

I Love Pema Chodron too. Coincidentally have also been reading her books.

Keep writing. I'm right here with you.


spielbee said...

Tracy - yes, I will be hanging with Anne and Elizabeth soon. Can. Not. Wait. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog after that. Bring your balm!

My Netty Fish! My JCS! My heart pounds reading your words. I'm so glad you are here with me. Always. Love you! BREATHE! (We were fucking geniuses!)