Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sittin' at the Dock of My Pain

Hello glorious and wretched readers...ha, ha.
Nothing is really all that funny tonight I'm afraid. I'm lonely. There. I admit it. Give me a week without my man and I'm a wreck. This chic wasn't meant to be alone. I'm a Cancer, for God sakes!
I wonder how this happened. How did I end up alone? How the hell? What the--
And there is always something to remind me. I see "Flight of the Conchords" on my TiVO list and...well...
My dh used to do a killer impression of "Business Time." He could really channel Jemaine. And it made me laugh hard. Gotta delete that season pass. (Although I do have a very real crush on Bret so maybe it's worth saving...)
I think of all the movies we were going to watch together. The day trips we were going to take. The home improvements I will do on my own. Experiences I won't share with him.
I'm realizing in bits and pieces and fits and starts all the things that will remind me of him, of us. I'm reminded of how hard this is going to be.
And music! The friggin' music. For those who were at my wedding, you can only imagine what those two Stevie Wonder CDs are going to do to my heart.
What about Al Green?
Are you kidding? Have you lost your mind?
And Otis Redding? Otis! I'm a masochist (a.k.a. a writer) so I'm listening to the man right now and, well, okay, it hurts. It hurts, love should hurt. If it's real. And true. And you thought it would be forever.
Tears burn, don't they?
Salt water in fresh wounds.
Okay, Otis. I don't care. Lay it on me. "These Arms of Mine" and "Pain in My Heart."
Even if you haven't recently lost a love, Otis will find some little hurt, some loss you thought you'd shelved long ago and expose it. So search him, download him, listen to him. We'll all practice a little Tonglen meditation together.
Oh man. Here we are at "I've Got Dreams to Remember." Oh brothers and sisters, feel it down deep. Lean into the sharp points if you dare.
We're all really alone in the end. And that's ironic to say considering the flood of friendship I have floated on this past week. This past year. My parents tonight said they take comfort knowing I'm surrounded by such a great community. Me too.
Sing it. It's true. And as my friend A.L. reminded me, "Singing is praying twice."
Finally...pour yourself some whiskey, add ice if you like...I do. I like Bushmills, if you're interested. I know it's Protestant whiskey but it kicks Jameson's ass!
Alright sorry about that. I'm drunk on Otis. If there weren't children in my house, I would go get some Bushmills but for now we'll have to pretend.
So you get your glass of Bushmills with ice and put on "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa (Sad Song)." Sway to it and shake it all over and sing along. Let the tears come down, it's okay. It's GOOD somehow. And sigh. And sing. And sway.
And then...and then...the pay-off. Are you with me? Yes. You blow your nose. Wipe your tears. Sigh some more. Notice you're out of whiskey-- And then you hear those familiar horns. This is Otis too?
Yes, it is.
"Oh she may be weary. Young girls they do get weary. Wearing that same old (Target) dress. But when she gets weary. Try a little tenderness..." Hear that sax, people? That's your heart breaking.
That's Jon Cryer in "Pretty in Pink." That's "The Commitments."
It's all coming back to you now.
"It's not just sentimental no no no. She has her grief and care. But the soft words, they are spoke so gentle. It makes it easier, easier to bear."
Yes it certainly does.
I love you.
I thank you.


Anonymous said...

just to add to your otis-ness:
"i've got dreams to remember" was written by his wife, because she was missing him so much when he was out on the road. when she gave him the song he said something like, "baby, this is so sweet" but wrote it off a bit.
secretly, though, he loved it and decided to record it for her for his next record.
she only found out about it after he had died in a wreck.
how's that for pain, baby?
by the way, when you're feeling angry again, which of course, you will be at some point, i have the best F.U. cd ever, by miss ani difranco.
and finally, i sing to you, we're here, we're here, we're here, and we're listening with you.

spielbee said...

Whoa, that is sad. And I can't wait to hear that CD.
I really appreciate the comments. It's lovely knowing you are our there reading. I encouraged a friend of mine to start her own blog too and I think she's going to. Thanks for the inspiration my Holly.