Thursday, January 17, 2008

Look at me! I'm Gesturing!

I was reminded today, looking at the beautiful engagement ring on my finger, that I have another beautiful (albeit smaller) diamond ring and matching wedding band in a small red velvet box in my top dresser drawer. It is from my "first marriage." I was married back (way back) in 1992 in Lancaster, PA. I knew I shouldn't have done it but well, I wasn't really in deep conversation with myself at the time. That's another story.
The point is, I would have never, ever, in a gazillion years, ever dreamt that I would someday have two boxes of discarded wedding rings in my drawer. It is a strange and humbling thing to think of yourself one way -- a faithful person, a Catholic, a daughter to be proud of, a loving and committed family woman -- and then to find out, right there in sparkling black and white, that you are not that way. Again...not good, not bad. But different. How can I say I am not the kind of person who gets divorced when I will be divorced not once, but twice? That says SOMETHING about me, doesn't it?
Maybe it just says that there are no "kinds" of people. Maybe it says that what is going on in my life is not neccesarily what is GOING ON in my life. What happens up top -- the moving of things and people around, the hand wringing, the shape shifting, the endless errand running -- is not all there is. Isn't in fact, really, all that important. What is more important is the life under my life. The deeper life. The endless life that resides only inside of me. (And therefore resides deep inside all of us as we are all one but let's not get into that quite something for tomorrow.)
I get to say who I am. Despite appearances.
That's something I think.

I was also going to say that last year during some particular marital craziness, I took off my wedding rings for a few days. I was hoping my dh would notice. I actually just laughed at myself because now it seems so ludicrous but at the time I felt quite serious. You see, try to follow me here...if I take off my rings, if I make this GESTURE, he will NOTICE with much ALARM and DO SOMETHING to FIX THE PROBLEM (I'm hearing Sandra Tsing Loh's voice in my head right now).
Let me just tell you, that if you are ever in a position where you find yourself making what you would call a GESTURE hoping someone else will NOTICE and then DO SOMETHING for might be on the wrong track.
That's a little advice gift, from me to you. Something I've picked up.
The fact that the whole thing smells like so much drama is not a good sign either. That's just good old-fashioned passive-agressive desperation right there. We have to do the SOMETHINGS ourselves.
And as I've found out: no one is coming. No one is going to save me.
But me.
And that's pretty good. Cause let me tell ya, it's good to have a girl like me on your side.
Love you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

so many gestures, so little time.
i look at you and think: BRAVE. COURAGEOUS. POWERFUL.
just so you know.